Boundaries ~ An Act Of Self-Love

Boundaries are one of the BIGGEST ways of expressing SELF-LOVE.  The reason why most of us don’t have good boundaries is because no one ever taught us what boundaries are, why we need them, and how to set them.  Rules and consequences were taught to us when we were kids.  Yet 99% of the time we didn’t get to voice our opinions or weigh in on the conversation.  Our parents were the authority and they set the rules, consequences and in essence our “programming” our “frame of reference” for what is and isn’t acceptable is based upon what someone else dictated to us; without us ever getting to have a voice.

We think that setting boundaries is controlling or changing someone else’s behavior.  This is the exact opposite of how we need to think!  Boundaries are rules you create about your own behavior.  Your boundaries define how you are going to respond to a given situation or person.

Boundaries are there to keep us safe, supported, respected and happy.  You need to communicate them to yourself and other.  Two key factors to keep in mind when setting boundaries is to remember:

1. That the focus is on you and what you will and will not tolerate or accept
2. That boundaries must be communicated to yourself, and others in order for them to be effective

Boundaries reflect the respect that you have for yourself, with time, emotions and even with your physical things.

• They are not designed to keep people out or keep people away from you.  They are designed to keep people in (in your circle, in your life) and still allow you to put yourself first.
• Boundaries are created to protect yourself, to put yourself first, and to show respect for yourself and your needs.

There are 4 Different Types of Boundaries:

• Emotional
• Time
• Topic
• Physical

Emotional boundaries are where you are trying to separate your feelings from someone else when their actions, tone of voice or a situation they are causing makes you feel uncomfortable.

Time boundaries are where you express how much time, and for what, you are available for someone or something. Placing limits around the amount of time you make yourself available for other people is an essential element of respecting yourself.

Topic boundaries refer to discussion topics that make you feel uncomfortable, which you are neve obligated to discuss, such as: Income, love life, health, weight, political views, your kids, past relationships, your reasons for not wanting kids, religion, race, gender, or your sexuality)

Physical boundaries are about your physical things.  They are boundaries with yourself, and they express what you will and will not do or tolerate when people touch or use your personal belongings.

Boundaries allow us to Eliminate People Pleasing in the following ways:

• When we feel like we get trampled upon, always putting other people first, and we get used.
• We aren’t treating ourselves with a level of respect, or worthiness.
• We define the boundaries and enforce them for ourselves.

Boundaries Shifts our Mindset from Toxic People to Toxic Behavior:

A Toxic behavior is any behavior that rubs you the wrong way.

• We are all capable of toxic behavior from time to time.  Having said that, we need to shift our mindset to be aware of Toxic Behaviors instead of concentrating on labeling people as toxic people.
• The responsibility, ownership and awareness are on you to recognize it and do something about it (by removing yourself from the situation or asking the person to do X instead of Y which is making you feel uncomfortable).
• Examples of Toxic Behaviors include: 
  • Someone instigating arguments
  • Someone attacking you verbally
  • Someone who never apologizes or takes responsibility
  • Someone who judges you all the time and makes jokes about it
  • Someone who pushes your buttons for fun
  • Someone who constantly dismisses what they are doing because of alcohol/drinking/they were drunk so that is their excuse for why they treated you so badly

Think of boundaries as guardrails (such as along the highway), that you set for yourself/your life.  I’d like to encourage you to take some time within the next few days to consider the following questions and perhaps journal about them.

• What boundaries do you need for your life?
• What boundaries do you need to have a better relationship with yourself?
• What do you have to believe about yourself in order to have better boundaries?

You deserve to be happy, to feel supported and to feel first in your own life, and you deserve to respect yourself and your boundaries with yourself, enough to leave a situation if it is not serving you, or if you are not being respected. 

Remember…Boundaries are one of the BIGGEST ways of expressing SELF-LOVE!